Just a Normal Family
by SulpiciaDoesntApprove
Summary: Sealand decides to write a report about the Nordics, trying to prove that his new family is way nicer and totally normal. However, that plan might backfire...


_**I felt the need to write some**__**thing crazy and silly. **_

_**This is n**__**othing serious, just some random crack about the whacky, dysfunctional family that the Nordics are (really, if you think about it, it's kind of scary...). It's probably also the reason why I love them so much. ;)**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing, and certainly not countries! (although that would be kinda cool...)**_

**---**

My name is Peter Kirkland.

I want you to know that I will – as soon as I am big and strong – take over the world and become a super nation. SEALAND WILL RULE YOU ALL!

Until then... I have taken it upon me to write a report about my family to prove jerk England that they are way nicer than he is (and because I need to write a report as a school project).

I will write about the different members of my family, ask them some questions and just describe a normal evening at our house.

So... here we go!

---

Report Part 1: Members of the family

My family consists of me (of course!), daddy and mommy.

Uncle Denmark, Uncle Norway (he told me once that he is not really my uncle, but I still call him that) and Iceland, Norway's little brother, are living with us as well.

I think I'll start off with describing them.

First, daddy. Because I like him best.

Daddy's name is Sweden, he wears glasses and is a tall, scary guy. Very serious too. He doesn't talk much, but he loves me and mommy. And HE ACKNOWLEDGES ME AS A NATION!

Mommy is daddy's wife. Although he always insists that he isn't. They fight about that all the time.

Mommy is also a man, but you see, that totally works, because daddy bought me off the internet. So it's not like he had to give birth to me or anything.

Now... on to the other members of the family.

Uncle Norway... he can be scary sometimes (... NOT THAT I AM SCARED OF HIM, OF COURSE! I AM NEVER SCARED!). His death glare can be very frightening (especially when it is directed at Uncle Denmark). He always wears a hairpin that makes him look like a girl, but don't let that fool you! He listens to black metal, cusses like a sailor and drinks everyone, even daddy, under the table quite easily. He was a Viking once, so he went to foreign coasts, robbed the people there, burnt their houses down and slaughtered everyone.

Oh, and he has imaginary friends too.

Uncle Denmark was a Viking too, he still has this really cool axe he used to chop people's heads off with. For some mysterious reason he also seems to think that everyone loves him. He has blonde, spiky hair, the kind of spiky you only get with lots and lots of hair gel.

Now... describing Iceland is a bit more difficult...

He is Norway's little brother, so they obviously look alike (although his hair is almost silver), and he is weird and scary most of the time as well. But unlike Norway, who is like a block of ice most of the time, Iceland has some serious temper issues. Really, all it needs is a bad day and some bad comment, then he literally goes KAWOOOM!

Mommy says it is because of the volcanoes.

... oh, and we also have a dog. She is small, white and fluffy and her name is Hantamago. Actually, it was supposed to be BLOODY Hanatamago first, but nobody ever really explained to me why.

We all live together in one house (well, Hanatamago lives in the dog house, but that still counts!).

Why?

... actually, that would be a good question to ask them.

I'll do that then.

---

Report Part 2: A normal evening with my family

About a normal evening with my family. Umm...

... oh right, the questions!

"Uncle Denmark, why are you living with us?" I asked him while we were eating dinner.

Denmark's brows (they look exactly like the ones that guy in that show on TV – I think his name is Spock or something – has) furrowed. "Why, I'm living with you because you love me, of course!" He gave me a wide grin.

"No, I don't think that..." I started to say, but he interrupted me.

"... and because I am your father's older brother." He punched my daddy's shoulder playfully, earning himself an angry glare. "Right, Sverige?"

Daddy just grumbled something and stabbed another potato in his plate.

"And Uncle Norway, why is he living with us?" I continued asking. After all, I had still a very long list of questions to go through.

Denmark threw an arm around my shoulder, leaning closer to me. "You see..." he whispered conspiratorially, "Norway is my fucking bud-"

"... HIS BEST FRIEND!" mommy interrupted him in a panicked voice, "Uncle Denmark and Norway are best friends, FUCK yes, that's what he wanted to say!" He patted my hair like I was still some little kid, then shot Uncle Denmark a murderous glare. Daddy was doing the same.

Uncle Norway, on the other hand, didn't as much as look up from what he was reading and his face was as expressionless as ever, he simply turned a page in his newspaper with one hand and smacked Denmark hard over the head with the other.

"Ow!" the taller man winced and rubbed the back of his head.

Iceland snickered.

I thought it to be better to drop that question.

After dinner, Iceland didn't help cleaning the dishes, as usual. He just mumbled something about wanting to read a book, then disappeared to his room.

He always does that. And then he asks for more pocket money from Norway, claiming he has already spent everything he got last week. Seriously, I don't know what he uses all that money for!

You see, Iceland is a teenager.

But I, I am a good boy! I still want to help!

... but back to the evening.

After we had finished cleaning the kitchen (without stupid Iceland!), we went to the living room to watch TV. Ice hockey.

Now this... is some serious business in my family!

Denmark plopped down on the couch, stretching out his legs and leaving almost no space for the others. "Norway, go get the beer," he ordered.

"Sweden, beer," Norway said, without missing a beat.

Daddy just turned on the TV. "Finl'nd."

Mommy sighed and got up. "Okay, okay, I'll get it..."

Uncle Denmark was already getting bored and started to poke both daddy and Norway.

"Peter, whose team are you for?" mommy asked me when he came back from the kitchen, handing everyone a large can of beer, "mine or Sweden's?"

I knew that was a trick question.

If there was one thing daddy, mommy and Uncle Norway could absolutely take no joke about, it was ice hockey. I tell you, they are fanatics!

So I tried to change the topic quickly. "Doesn't Denmark have an ice hockey team?" I asked innocently.

It worked.

Mommy started chuckling and gave Denmark a pitiful look.

Uncle Norway snickered. "Denmark never participates in any important athletic competition. He is a clumsy, lazy bum. He can't even run straight. It really is a mystery to me how he got all those muscles."

Denmark blew him a kiss. "Love you too, Nor."

I seized the opportunity and quickly snuck out of the room.

Only a few minutes later, I could hear some strange noises from the living room, it sounded like a brawl. I could also hear the loud 'CRACK!' as a vase was thrown against a wall and broke.

It was probably just daddy and Uncle Denmark beating each other up again.

So, I hope this is sufficient as a report. I want to go play some computer games now.

All in all, we are a completely normal family.

... or... at least THEY ARE STILL NICER THAN JERK ENGLAND!

TAKE THAT!

... it is oddly quiet all of a sudden, I think I need to go and check if they have all passed out or something.

---

_**Writing Sealand was actually really difficult. I find it very hard to grasp his character, but since this is crack and my first try at writing Hetalia fanfic, I**__** hope you will forgive me... o.O**_

_**Review? ;)**_


End file.
